never having close friends before, being perceived as male, desiring women friends, and feeling out what is the line between friendly compassionate care and excessive intimacy all while being tremendously lonely
@I wow, what a tough situation. cis women spend their first 15+ years of life learning that boundary for their own particular culture, while amab people of all genders are taught an entirely different set of rules. and then in different regions or subcultures, rules can be different too.
my guiding rule for relations of all kinds is: when in doubt, ask, and do so in a way that puts no pressure on the other person. I don't follow it perfectly, but when I do, it makes all parties safer.
@twistylittlepassages might just do that
@twistylittlepassages honestly all of my relationships have lacked the essential element of me voicing my concerns as loudly as I receive them I tend to avoid being direct about them
@I this is such a common problem, especially for those of us raised religiously! and it has a lot to do with people not taking children's concerns seriously. after a certain point we just accept that we don't matter as much as other people. and then it's rewarded: people seem to like us better b/c of it!
but of course it's ultimately toxic, as you're implying. boundaries are what allow us to be truly present and trusting in a relationship.
@twistylittlepassages I never really looked at it that way that makes a lot of sense. I think I was always just so afraid of losing a person I kind of let myself disappear.
Was actually reading in a book by Henri Nouwan about setting boundaries for myself in multiple ways. Not pulling too much and not being afraid to push. It spoke to me.
It is hard for me though because of how turbulent I am I want 100% unimpeded emotional flow which is A LOT for people haha.
@I oh nice, I haven't read a ton of Nouwen but from what I have, he seems really cool. I get you about being a lot for people, though! been trying to be more real with my family, and they're like, "uh, you're scary." 😕
@I my solution to this exact problem is to just assume everything I do is excessive...
I don't recommend that route though. Sorry you're going through it.